Mood: Conflicted 😔
Don’t let the big smile fool you! I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I am OK for the most part.
I am at a very challenging time in my breast cancer journey and I have had some really rough days lately. I have been doing quite a bit of deep thinking and crying a lot as I try to figure out how to live moving forward.
That doesn’t sound right does it? Why am I having rough days still? I am done with all of my treatments and now I am on hormone therapy with little to no side effects so far, so I should be happy right? Some days I am happy and I even have a little bit of energy, but other days I am deeply depressed.
There is a survivorship class at my oncologists office that would be very helpful at this time but unfortunately it is with the only staff member that I have met along the way that I didn’t like. She made me very uncomfortable when I met her before I started chemo. She kept staring at me, something that I absolutely hate especially when the person doing it is too stupid to not be so obvious and I catch them doing it. I remember saying to my husband that I was hoping I would not have to see her again, it was that horrible and uncomfortable. So, there is no way that I am going to meet with her and talk to her about the sometimes overwhelming thoughts and feelings that I have been going through recently. I refuse to cry in front of her! I did speak with my nurse navigator about my concerns and she said that the other person would not give her materials to send to me but that she would do it once she had my name. It has been a week since I had that conversation with my nurse navigator and I still have not recieved anything from my oncologists office. So, I am looking up books through my Kindle that will hopefully help me.
The biggest struggle with moving forward is the fear of the cancer returning. It is insanely overwhelming at times and it can send me into a deep depression for days. I have begun to wonder about what I will do if it does come back. Will I fight it or will I let it kill me? I know that it is horrible to think about such things but you would understand if you spent just one day in my shoes from this last year. {I will elaborate on this more in a future post.}
Oddly enough I am still able to work even when feeling at my lowest and I think that is because work keeps me busy and it keeps my attention pointed away from getting to into my own head too much. I know that I have done, and that I am still doing everything possible with my team of doctors to make sure that the cancer is gone and that it will not return, but I still worry. I get concerned about every pain that I feel in my chest, and there have been quite a few recently, but then I remember that my last surgery was major and only 4 months ago so my nerves are still repairing and that can cause me pain for several months to come. While I am doing everything I can to help my body recover, the process is slow because I am still fighting fatigue and I am still struggling with getting a proper amount of sleep.
So for now I have to take each day at a time and some days are much easier than others. I know that I appear to be strong and dealing with everything so well, but honestly I am not strong all of the time, no cancer patient is, and that is OK. I can see looking back at this past year that cancer has changed every aspect of my life and that I may never be the same again, and that is OK too because now I know that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
I will get through this difficult time and I will come out on the other side as a changed woman, and hopefully, a better woman. 💕