Mood: Uncomfortable 😕

It has been a month since my surgery and as to be expected I am still healing, and dealing with some pain. Today I was so uncomfortable in several areas of my chest that I ended up taking a Oxycodone after not needing one for the last three days. For some reason I went backwards, at least that is what it feels like to me, and I am not sure why. Matt and I checked all of the areas that were hurting me and they are just red and mad looking, no gunky yellow stuff coming out like a few weeks ago. I did not text my surgeon to tell him because it is just a little pain which the Oxycodone took care of and nothing looks open. If anything changes I won’t hesitate to let him know.

The sticker with the blue cross on me is a marker for when they do my plotting and x-rays for radiation treatment…

Overall I feel like I am doing well…..but tonight my nerves are kicking in. I have noticed that every time I am about to start a new part of my treatment plan or I have a surgery coming up, I get scared. Scared of the side effects I may have, scared of being in pain yet again, scared that this time the treatment or surgery will be too much for me. But I know that once I am at my appointment and talking to my doctor, my nerves will settle and I will feel better. My nerves have absolutely nothing to do with my doctors. I have an amazing team of three doctors and they are without a doubt, working with me to save my life from this horrible disease.

I am also noticing that as my journey continues I am getting more and more overwhelmed which can easily turn into depression….I don’t feel that way all of the time, it seems to come and go. I am suddenly in my head, the flood gates open and I have everything hit me all at once; just the overwhelming thought of how much I have been through since this terrible journey began and what I still need to endure. A perfect example of this is the fact that I went from never ever having a surgery in my life to having three surgeries in seven months, two of them being major. It is impossible to not think about these things…..I try, but sometimes when I am in pain or I look in the mirror or even when I am taking a shower and washing my surgery site, I will start to uncontrollably cry. “It is just soooo much,” that is what I say while I am having my meltdown, and it is so much, too much at times. I am strong most of the time, but it is impossible to be strong all of the time. While there is a huge component that is obviously physical when you are a cancer patient, there is also a very deep emotional and mental side that will eventually become part of the journey. I am constantly amazed at how little the emotional and mental side of dealing with cancer is discussed. Luckily, I have an amazing cancer support system at the hospital I go to that I can access if needed and I love that they call and check up on me every so often to see how I am doing. Sharing my journey through this blog, spending time with my husband, friends and my beloved dog and cats, are all helping me to deal with every step of my fight with cancer…..I am blessed!

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